Ghost-Entrapment Business Closed

NEW YORK - Citing unsafe practices and potential toxic contamination, the Environmental Protection Agency shut down a small ghost-entrapment operation in downtown Manhattan today, and had four of the business' spectral-containment specialists arrested in the process.

According to EPA agent Walter Peck, employees of the company - located in an old fire station in the Tribeca neighborhood of New York - had repeatedly refused to grant him access to their storage facility, which posed a health hazard to the surrounding community.

"The facility in question unlawfully used public utilities for the purpose of non-sanctioned waste-handling, and was in direct violation of the Environmental Protection Act," Peck said. "Additionally, this company possessed several unlicensed portable nuclear accelerators that were frequently discharged within mere feet of civilians."

Though its incarcerated employees were unavailable for comment, the company released a statement denying any wrongdoing. The statement also repudiated claims that those associated with the spectral-entrapment operation were not afraid of any individual ghost, and went on to say that the act of capturing said ghosts simply made them "feel good."

"This business fills an important niche, and because of the EPA's complete lack of technical knowledge concerning the equipment in question, government intervention was totally unwarranted for fuck sake," said enviromental policy expert David Napoli, echoing popular public support for the paranormal specialists. "The people who are really going to suffer are those in need of the unique services that companies such as this provide."
"I ask you: What if there were something out of the ordinary, perhaps ghost-related, in the neighborhood in which you lived? Who are you gonna [contact?]" Napoli added.

According to Capt. Kevin Houlihan of NYPD's 5th Precinct, paranormal disturbances in Manhattan have increased exponentially since the decision was made to seize the operation. Houlihan cited several instances of blood running down walls, canines and felines cohabitating peacefully, and, perhaps most alarming, the potential for "mass hysteria." "The city is in chaos," Houlihan said. "This is typical federal interference in an area that should have been left to local experts who have the proper tools and sufficient talent. We need the [employees of the paranormal investigation firm]."

From The Onion