Cash Converters In US Banks Buyout

High street pawnbroker Cash Converters, today revealed they were planning a $700 billion dollar bail out of the US banks.

Several national monuments are being put up for collateral including the Lincoln Memorial, the Statue of Liberty and Mount Rushmore.

"Obviously they (the US) will not be receiving full market value for their monuments as we have to make a reasonable profit to make the transaction worthwhile." said a Cash Converters spokesperson.

Meanwhile, the US government are busy compiling a list of monuments they can do without for a while. There is a strong indication that the entire state of Maine will be sold off at a reduced rate and become property of Converters head branch in Tooting, North London .

"We hope to be able to buy back the monuments within the time limit or else Cash Converters will put them on general sale, making themselves a disgusting profit." said a US treasury spokesperson.

Adapted from a report in The Spoof

Anger At Southern States Paralympics

Thought Balloons Appear In Commons

London - Thought balloons mysteriously appeared over the heads of MP's this week in the House of Commons, disrupting the proceedings at Prime Minister's Question Time.

Speaker Michael Martin was at a loss as to how to proceed, as protocols are largely based on speaking.

His own thought balloon faded in and out during the proceedings with the word 'Airmiles' clearly visible.

Not surprisingly, the ghost-like text in the thought balloon of Fred Coconut - MP for Bolton West - echoed the feeling of the Conservative Party:

"That Brown does go on a bit doesn't he, bloody hell.", alternating with "Why can't we have chicks like Sarah Palin here instead of these dirty old cows?"

Patsy Brokentrousers - MP for Clywd - appeared to be daydreaming most of the time, and visibly ran through the entire McDonalds 99p menu.

"Chaos!" Slammed Prime Minister Gordon Brown. "But it will get better." he concluded while looking over his shoulder.

Adapted from a report in The Spoof.

Ooh! A Scrumtious Treat.

Nom??

Upset Woman Declared Insane

NORTH CALDWELL, NJ – Area resident Gayle Wenzel, 44, was declared legally insane Monday after becoming upset over a living-room mess caused by her husband Milt's Friday-night get-together with friends.

"Apparently, Gayle came home after being gone all weekend, saw the condition of the living room, and just completely lost it," said Dr. Marvin Schaffer, director of hysteriatrics at St. Joseph's Hospital in nearby Montclair. "This is clearly a clinically psychotic individual who has no grip on reality and no control over her own actions or emotions. You know how women get."

Wenzel, who insists that she was "only mad for about two minutes," is currently under 24-hour watch at St. Joseph's.

According to Milt, on Sunday evening, Gayle returned home after spending four days in Kansas City helping her sister recover from back surgery. Upon entering the living room, she found empty beer cans scattered across the floor, an ashtray overturned on the rug, and a pile of dirty dishes on the end table next to the couch.

"Gayle asked me what happened. I told her that some of the guys came over Friday night, but that I didn't clean up because I couldn't find the vacuum cleaner," Milt said. "That's when she went nuts."

"You left that mess for me to clean up. You had zero intention of ever doing it yourself, Milt," Wenzel reportedly yelled like a lunatic. "Well, I'm not touching it. I've spent the entire day in airports, and I have to be up for work at 6 a.m. tomorrow. You clean it."

Milt said that all of his many attempts to make his psychotic wife listen to reason failed.

"Gayle was out of her mind," Milt said. "I was pleading with her, 'Honey, calm down. What's the big deal? You're acting insane. Get it together.' But she just kept freaking out."

Twenty minutes later, after putting her bags away and showering, Wenzel went back downstairs to discover a team of emergency medical technicians and crisis-intervention counselors waiting for her. After placing Wenzel in restraints and rushing her to St. Joseph's Hospital, doctors were able to administer a strong sedative.

"I had to do something to ensure that Gayle wouldn't harm herself or others," said Dr. Gilbert Perry, who handled Wenzel's hospital admission. "Gayle was out of her mind. I mean, come on, a few beer cans lying around and she completely goes off the deep end? As soon as I learned that the outburst was not menstruation-related, as I'd initially assumed, I ordered her hospitalized. I couldn't let an unbalanced, over-emotional woman like that out on the streets."

Wenzel has allegedly had a long history of out-of-control behavior, particularly at work. According to coworkers, she has reacted irrationally to everything from having to work weekends to having her assigned parking spot taken away.

"Last week, I made a little friendly joke about the dark hair on Gayle's upper lip by calling her Magnum," said Stuart Runnels, a fellow claims processor at Mid-American Insurance. "You should've seen her flip out. I was just kidding around, but she gets all deranged and says, 'I really don't think that was very funny at all, Stan. I don't make fun of your personal appearance.'"

Runnels said he responded by making cuckoo noises and backing away from Wenzel with an exaggerated look of fright.

"What can I say?" Runnels said. "She's nuts!."

From The Onion.

Hadron Collider Claims First Life

The Hadron Collider has claimed its first life following its dramatic switch on at 8.30am on the 10th September.

Despite the EU's attempts to suppress the news, a leaked memo to the Alderley Edge branch of the Co-op Funeral Home has confirmed this first victim of the "Big Bang".

In the leaked memo, the sender, a Mrs Davina Pastitt, wrote to the director of the Funeral Home, Mr G Rimmreaper to tell him that her brother-in-law, the Very Reverend Pastitt, passed away at 8.33 on that fateful day.

The Shadow Health Secretary, Sue Positrie, immediately sprang into inaction and said:

"I knew this would happen. When the switch was thrown, the button pressed, the string pulled or whatever they did to switch the Hadron Collider on, I knew there would be a death as a result."

"You can't go messing around with elementary particle beams and expect nobody to get hurt." she concluded before claiming expenses.

The director of the Funeral Home later went on BBC North West to admit the content of the email and what had happened.

Reading out a very convincing statement, incorrectly punctuated and in a Welsh, funeral-director style drone, he said:

"We regret the passing of the Very Reverend Pastitt at the very time the Hadron Collider was turned on. The fact he was terminally ill and should have passed away at least three weeks ago has no bearing or effect on his sister-in-law Mrs Davina Pastitt trying to claim untold thousands from her insurance company or to sue the Hadron Collider switchy on people."

"I can offer my personal support and the support of the local Medical Examiner who will confirm that the Very Reverend Pastitt did pass on at the precise time the Collider was switched on. I'm WELL gutted."

Adapted from a report in The Spoof.

Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs

HAWAII - In an annou- ncement with grave impli- cations for the primacy of the species of man, marine biologists at the Hawaii Oceanographic Institute reported Monday that dolphins, or family Delphinidae, have evolved opposable thumbs on their pectoral fins.

"I believe I speak for the entire human race when I say, 'holy shit!,'" said Oceanographic Institute director Dr. James Aoki, noting that the dolphin has a cranial capacity 40 percent greater than that of humans.

Aoki strongly urged humans, especially those living near the sea, to learn to communicate using a system of clicks and whistles in a frequency range of 4 to 150 kHz. He also encouraged humans to "start practicing their echolocation as soon as possible."

Delphinologists have reported more than 7,000 cases of spontaneous opposable-digit manifestation in the past two weeks alone, with "thumbs" observed on the bottle-nosed dolphin, the Atlantic humpback dolphin, and even the rare Ganges River dolphin.

"It appears to be species-wide," said dolphin specialist Clifford Brees of the Kewalo Basin Marine Mammal Laboratory, speaking from the shark cage he welded shut around himself late Monday. "And it may be even worse: We haven't exactly been eager to check for thumbs on other marine mammals belonging to the order of cetaceans, such as the killer whale.

Thus far, all the opposable digits encountered appear to be fully functional, making it possible for dolphins–believed to be capable of faster and more complex cogitation than man–to manipulate objects, fashion tools, and construct rudimentary pulley and lever systems.

"They really seem to be making up for lost time with this thumb thing," said Dr. Jim Kuczaj, a University of California–San Diego biologist"

From The Onion

Ghost-Entrapment Business Closed

NEW YORK - Citing unsafe practices and potential toxic contamination, the Environmental Protection Agency shut down a small ghost-entrapment operation in downtown Manhattan today, and had four of the business' spectral-containment specialists arrested in the process.

According to EPA agent Walter Peck, employees of the company - located in an old fire station in the Tribeca neighborhood of New York - had repeatedly refused to grant him access to their storage facility, which posed a health hazard to the surrounding community.

"The facility in question unlawfully used public utilities for the purpose of non-sanctioned waste-handling, and was in direct violation of the Environmental Protection Act," Peck said. "Additionally, this company possessed several unlicensed portable nuclear accelerators that were frequently discharged within mere feet of civilians."

Though its incarcerated employees were unavailable for comment, the company released a statement denying any wrongdoing. The statement also repudiated claims that those associated with the spectral-entrapment operation were not afraid of any individual ghost, and went on to say that the act of capturing said ghosts simply made them "feel good."

"This business fills an important niche, and because of the EPA's complete lack of technical knowledge concerning the equipment in question, government intervention was totally unwarranted for fuck sake," said enviromental policy expert David Napoli, echoing popular public support for the paranormal specialists. "The people who are really going to suffer are those in need of the unique services that companies such as this provide."
"I ask you: What if there were something out of the ordinary, perhaps ghost-related, in the neighborhood in which you lived? Who are you gonna [contact?]" Napoli added.

According to Capt. Kevin Houlihan of NYPD's 5th Precinct, paranormal disturbances in Manhattan have increased exponentially since the decision was made to seize the operation. Houlihan cited several instances of blood running down walls, canines and felines cohabitating peacefully, and, perhaps most alarming, the potential for "mass hysteria." "The city is in chaos," Houlihan said. "This is typical federal interference in an area that should have been left to local experts who have the proper tools and sufficient talent. We need the [employees of the paranormal investigation firm]."

From The Onion

The Framely Examiner

It was with sheer delight I stumbled upon (raced back to a Wap chat site I once frequented to request assistance) an old friend in the form of The Framely Examiner.

This has pretty much made my last ten minutes on Earth a little more worthwhile.