McCain Stares At Screen, Attempts To Write Christmas Letter

SEDONA, AZ — After procrastinating for several hours by watching It's A Wonderful Life and old John Wayne movies, former Republican presidential nominee John McCain finally sat down at the computer to type his annual "Christmas Bulletin" to friends and family early this afternoon, but found himself completely blocked.

"They say you're never too old to learn," McCain slowly typed before pausing, reading the sentence over, and tapping the backspace key until it was deleted. Forty-five minutes later, after two aborted attempts to compose the letter from the point of view of the family cat, Oreo, and another about what 2009 held in store for the McCain clan, the Arizona senator took a break to make a cup of hot cocoa and listen to the grandfather clock ticking in the background. "Jesus," McCain mumbled. "Jesus Christ."

McCain returned to the den around 5:30 p.m., at which point he placed a fresh stack of candy-cane stationery in the printer, stared at the screen for another 10 minutes, and finally decided to go to sleep for a long, long time.

From a report in The Onion

Gordon's Recruitment Pyramid Scheme

London, UK - In a new employment initiative announced yesterday the UK government announced that it is to set up a chain of 200 recruitment agencies.

The recruiters will recruit more recruiters for more recruitment agencies until there is a recruitment agency in every small town and village in the land. "This will be huge" gushed pioneer recruiter Jim Woodenfoot, we will be recruiting recruiters for evermore, it's the saviour for us and the economy!"

The plan is eventually expected to employ 562,104 people directly, with another 2,106,382 employed in support services such as coffee, cakes, advertising and comfy chairs.

Challenged in the house by opposition leader David Cameron, that "This is bollocks, there is no wealth creation here for the nation." Brown, with his mouth thing, countered with, "Piss off, Cameron, the bankers got away with it for decades, I'll be long gone when this little puppy comes home to roost!".

The US government is taking a keen interest in the scheme and is rumoured to be reconsidering it's bailout of the big three auto companies in favour of a similar scheme based in and growing out of Detroit.


Adapted from a report in The Spoof

Britney's X-factor Disgrace

To launch her new album and Christmas single, Britney Spears agreed to appear on ITV1's show, X-Factor, but her list of riders have eaten into ITV's Christmas budget.

Not satisfied with one dressing room, Britney took all seventeen, leaving the contenders and judges in the cold. In each dressing room was a different breed of pedigree puppy, three thousand purple roses, twenty tubs of Rocky Road ice-cream at precisely four degrees centigrade, a masseuse and a previously unwatched forty-two inch plasma television. Every toilet in the building had to be replaced with a pink one, except the existing pink one, which had to be replaced with a statue of the Mona Lisa by Damien Hurst.

Accompanying the American Diva were forty minders who clogged up the corridors for an hour before her appearance.

Arriving just two minutes before going on stage, Spears' used none of the dressing rooms, and insisted that nobody watched her performance. The audience was escorted out for the twenty minute set, whilst the lucky camera operators were all given ear plugs and blindfolds.

Even with nobody watching, it was clear that Britney was lip syncing, as she mimed her way through "Womanizer", despite the track being played being "Piece of Me".

When asked which of the performers she thought would win, she answered that she liked London, adding that she had been given the wrong question sheet and was unable to move off script.

Simon Cowell, the mastermind behind the death of the pop industry, was undaunted by the shambolic performance. "She was great, wasn't she?" he said afterwards, hitching his trousers. "There's nobody like her."

Adapted from a report in The Spoof

Man With Apple Hovering In Front Of Face Sues René Magritte's Estate

TACOMA, WA—Michael Renfro, a 68-year-old retired CPA with an apple hovering in front of his face, announced Monday that he has filed a $15 million lawsuit against the estate of deceased Belgian artist René Magritte for unlawfully using his likeness in the 1964 painting The Son Of Man.

"I only recently became aware of the painting's existence when an acquaintance slipped a Polaroid of the work between the apple and my face," said Renfro, who suspects that Magritte may have seen him while he was purchasing a bowler hat and topcoat in Brussels in the early 1960s. "Despite everything, I do respect Mr. Magritte's abilities as an artist. He was undeniably a master of photorealism." Magritte's work has often been the subject of litigation, most notably in 2003 when the Los Angeles County Museum of Art filed a Treachery of Images charge against the artist's estate after purchasing a piece by Magritte that was believed to be a pipe, but was later revealed not to be a pipe.

From a report in The Onion