Local Teen Up To Something

GREENFIELD, OH—A local teenager, standing on the corner of Spring Street and Dunlap Lane, is clearly up to some kind of no good, neighbourhood sources reported Thursday.

The teenager, spotted by Greenfield residents at approximately 4:36 p.m., has been described as tall, suspiciously quiet, and almost certainly looking for trouble. According to concerned sources, the teenager has absolutely no business being out there like that.

"Just look at him," said Bob Page, one of several men and women currently watching the 14-year-old from their living room window. "That boy's definitely up to something."

Signs that the teenager may be up to no good have so far included his hunched over posture, the way he keeps looking around with his eyes, and the fact that he probably owns a number of those violent video games.

Residents told reporters that they are especially troubled by the teenager's hooded sweatshirt, which he is wearing with the hood drawn, despite it not even raining outside.

"I don't like how I can't see his face," said home-maker Ellen Campbell, who attributed the teen's erratic behaviour to the lack of positive role models in today's music industry. "He'd show his face if he weren't thinking of doing something wrong. I bet he's thinking of doing something wrong right now."

Based on his outward appearance, many are worried that the teenager is one of those youths who were recently caught drinking in the woods behind the recycling centre.

According to residents, what the teenager will do next remains their chief concern. Though he is not currently in possession of a shopping cart, residents believe that he may in fact steal one from the nearby Stop & Shop, simply for the sake of inconveniencing others. Some have even speculated that the teenager may be planning to burn dead leaves later this afternoon, possibly with the cigarette lighter to which he no doubt has access.

Whatever unlawful acts he may be planning, locals are convinced it will include some sort of profanity, whether spoken, written, or a combination of both.

"He's probably waiting for one of his friends to arrive," said Howard Silverman, who pretended to check on his mailbox four separate times in order to get a better look at the teen. "Once that happens, they'll come up with something really terrible to do together."

Added Silverman, "The songs they listen to make them angry."

Fears among residents increased minutes later when several onlookers noticed that the teenager's hands had entered his pockets. Among the items believed to be inside his pockets were spray cans, spoiled eggs, and probably one of those miniature stereos that all the young people own.

The teenager then removed a cell phone from his pocket, viewed its screen—which sources believe contained a nude picture of another teenager—and placed it back in his pocket.

"What's he hiding?" home-owner Ron Kirkland asked. "One thing I know for sure: He's going to regret whatever it is he's about to do when he's older."

In a recent poll, 56 percent of residents claimed that the teenager is selling drugs, while 34 percent said he is buying drugs. The remaining 10 percent believe that he is currently on drugs.

Ninety-eight percent of those polled wished the teen would just go away.

"Maybe someone should call the police," said neighbour Patricia Meyer, who instead opted to stare out her window with an even more disapproving look. "I just hope something doesn't get robbed."

From a Report in The Onion

Man Gets Into Mess Usually Reserved For Stars Of Silent Film Era

BOWLING GREEN, KY—Stumbling around his study with a large metal bucket lodged firmly over his head, area accountant and father of three Michael Dewley once again found himself in a situation traditionally reserved for film stars of the early 20th century.

Dewley, who works at a local investment firm and once mistook two men inside of a horse costume for the genuine article, got himself in his latest fix early Monday morning. According to sources, this is the fifth time in as many weeks that the 43-year-old has experienced the sort of bumbling mishap usually portrayed in silent American comedies.

"It's always something with Michael," said longtime friend and former business associate Phillip Bowman. "Either the poor bastard is getting smacked in the face with a plank of wood, or he's tumbling head over heels down a long spiral staircase."

Added Bowman, "I don't think I've ever been out with the guy and not seen him end up covered in feathers."

Over the course of his life, Dewley has reportedly fallen from a 20-foot barn ladder on seven separate occasions, slipped into a giant vat of fresh cream at least three times, and once, while vacationing with his family in Egypt, managed to stir a 5,000-year-old mummy from its restful slumber.

While the accidents were amusing and even entertaining at first, sources close to Dewley said that watching him repeatedly hammer his own thumb and hop around the room in excruciating pain has grown difficult over time.

"It used to be funny—you know, in a broad sort of way—but now I just feel bad for him," brother-in-law Peter Havemeyer said. "I mean, how many times can you watch someone get punched in the face by a trained kangaroo before it starts to get to you? Poor Michael. The man is just covered in welts."

Dewley's blunders have reportedly taken a tremendous toll on his physical well-being. In April, the 43-year-old was disfigured beyond all recognition after walking into a plate-glass window, while earlier this month, Dewley had to be rushed into surgery following a bloody encounter with a rolling-pin-wielding matron.

According to doctors at Greenview Regional Hospital, if Dewley trips on one more discarded banana peel or is struck in the face by one more malfunctioning Murphy bed, he runs the risk of suffering permanent brain damage.

"We've been banned from every opera house in town, and pretty much any hotel with a bellhop or, God forbid, a revolving door," wife Sheila Dewley said. "It's getting to be too much. Please don't tell him, but I'm seriously thinking of taking the kids and just leaving."

In addition to the strain they have put on his marriage, Dewley's mishaps have reportedly ruined his personal finances. Three small children, stacked in a teetering column and concealed beneath a full-length trench coat, sold the accountant nearly $6,500 worth of life insurance in November.

Making matters worse, Dewley was laid off from work late last week after mistakenly wrestling his boss's wife, a dignified woman in a large peacock-feather hat, to the ground.

"I heard they were going to have to sell their home and maybe move in with Sheila's parents," former coworker Robert Daverson said. "With everything that's happened, it's hard to even look at Michael these days. Especially when his pants fall down in front of large groups of people."

Over the course of his life, Dewley has reportedly fallen from a 20-foot barn ladder on seven separate occasions, slipped into a giant vat of fresh cream at least three times, and once, while vacationing with his family in Egypt, managed to stir a 5,000-year-old mummy from its restful slumber.

While the accidents were amusing and even entertaining at first, sources close to Dewley said that watching him repeatedly hammer his own thumb and hop around the room in excruciating pain has grown difficult over time.

"It used to be funny—you know, in a broad sort of way—but now I just feel bad for him," brother-in-law Peter Havemeyer said. "I mean, how many times can you watch someone get punched in the face by a trained kangaroo before it starts to get to you? Poor Michael. The man is just covered in welts."

Dewley's blunders have reportedly taken a tremendous toll on his physical well-being. In April, the 43-year-old was disfigured beyond all recognition after walking into a plate-glass window, while earlier this month, Dewley had to be rushed into surgery following a bloody encounter with a rolling-pin-wielding matron.

According to doctors at Greenview Regional Hospital, if Dewley trips on one more discarded banana peel or is struck in the face by one more malfunctioning Murphy bed, he runs the risk of suffering permanent brain damage.

"We've been banned from every opera house in town, and pretty much any hotel with a bellhop or, God forbid, a revolving door," wife Sheila Dewley said. "It's getting to be too much. Please don't tell him, but I'm seriously thinking of taking the kids and just leaving."

In addition to the strain they have put on his marriage, Dewley's mishaps have reportedly ruined his personal finances. Three small children, stacked in a teetering column and concealed beneath a full-length trench coat, sold the accountant nearly $6,500 worth of life insurance in November.

Making matters worse, Dewley was laid off from work late last week after mistakenly wrestling his boss's wife, a dignified woman in a large peacock-feather hat, to the ground.

"I heard they were going to have to sell their home and maybe move in with Sheila's parents," former coworker Robert Daverson said. "With everything that's happened, it's hard to even look at Michael these days. Especially when his pants fall down in front of large groups of people."

From a report in The Onion